The Starting Point of Mental Toughness
The Foundation
If I could teach you only one thing about mental toughness, it would be this: your thoughts matter.
Ralph Waldo Emerson famously wrote, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an action and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”
To put it simply, “What you think influences what you do, which influences the results you get.”
So where does it all begin? What comes before results, before habits, before actions? That’s right - it starts with our thoughts. This is the foundation everything else is built on.
Let me tell you a story to show what I mean.
The $150,000 Squatter
A HORRIBLE SURPRISE
It was a typical Tuesday afternoon when I drove by my Lyndhurst Street renovation in Baltimore City. The sky was blue and I was feeling good. It’d been a long rehab process, spanning 8 months and costing $150,000, but I was finally a week away from listing this bad boy. And I was proud of it, too, because we’d taken a house that was the worst on the block and transformed it into the best.
So that day I was doing a routine drive by, partially to admire the home, but more so to check that everything looked secure. You see, the contractors hadn’t been there for 5 days because we were waiting on the utility company to make final connections.
When I pull up in front of the house, I see two strangers walking out. Mind you, these are two people I had never seen before in my life. They then proceed to turn around and carefully lock the door behind them.
I was confused. Who were they? And why were they locking up my house behind them? How’d they even get keys in the first place? And wait a second, I don’t think I recognize that doorknob.
I was hoping against hope everything was fine - that somehow these were subcontractors I simply hadn’t met before. But, deep down I knew better, and a pit was slowly forming in my stomach.
So I get out of the car and approach them. “Excuse me, can I help you?” I say in the friendliest tone I can manage. Their response proved my worst fear correct.
They told me they just moved in over the weekend. Moved in their furniture. Their Rottweiler. Their big screen TV. Even their fish tank. And they had taken up permanent residence.
They had also changed the locks, and wouldn’t let me in the house. My house.
THANKS A LOT, JUSTICE SYSTEM
I immediately call the police. After 15 minutes the flashing lights of cop cars appear. I explain the situation, and plead with them to help. Over the next several hours these cops, the squatters, and I go back and forth.
We do this in the front yard. In 40 degree weather. In front of the neighborhood. So, in case you’re wondering… yeah, it was awesome.
Despite my best efforts, the police shrug their shoulders and tell me there’s nothing they can do. They say my only course of action is to start the 6-8 month eviction process, and pray these new residents don’t retaliate and do $150,000 worth of damage in the meantime.
Does this sound fun? Welcome to Baltimore City real estate investing.
Two Possible Reactions
There are two ways to respond to this situation. And unfortunately neither involve me ripping off my shirt Hulk-Hogan-style and reclaiming the house that is rightfully mine. (And good thing I don’t. Turns out the guy had a violent criminal history.)
scenario #1
—> It starts with thoughts:
“I’m such an idiot for not securing the house better! I deserve to lose this money.”
“This is so unfair and Baltimore City sucks. It’s all their fault!”
“I have no idea what to do and there’s no way out.”
“This is the moment I lose $150k and my business goes bankrupt. I’m finished.”
—> Which lead to feelings:
Lots of anger (at myself and others)
Combined with overwhelming stress and fear
And a healthy dose of victimhood and helplessness
—> Which lead to actions:
Avoid the situation
Or make one timid attempt to resolve it
Or just do what the cops say and file in rent court
Or throw a pity party and declare Baltimore City investing isn’t worth it.
Or be stuck, paralyzed with indecision (which, yes, technically isn’t an action, but give me a break).
Do you see the logical flow between thoughts, feelings, and actions? Unfortunately for me, the list above is an example of my default pattern of thinking - the one that comes most naturally to me. As you can see, when adversity comes, it’s a dark place to be in. And it brings about less than ideal actions and results.
There is a different way, though.
Scenario #2
—> It starts with different thoughts:
“Matt, this situation may suck, but it’s times like these that separate the successful from the unsuccessful in Baltimore City real estate investing. This is your chance to rise to the occasion.”
“Matt, yes it’s true you don’t know exactly what to do. And it’s true you haven’t faced this exact situation before. But you’ve faced other situations kind of like it, and you’ve come out on top. You can do it again.”
“Matt, first of all, you’re not going to go bankrupt, so stop blowing things out of proportion. The worst case scenario is you probably lose $50k. The more likely scenario is you lose $5k to $20k. And you can handle that. So let’s start thinking about potential solutions. Ones that result in you losing the least money possible and getting your house back in the quickest time possible.”
—> Which lead to different feelings:
Feeling somewhat uncertain, but confident I have what it takes to get through it.
Feeling wronged, but not powerless.
Feeling the pressure of the situation, but ready to problem-solve.
—> Which lead to different actions:
Getting creative about negotiating with the squatters
Handling it without the anger and accusations that would make the squatters want to retaliate and damage my house
And finally, being ready to try multiple methods until one works, because I know that one will.
In case you’re wondering, this second list of thoughts isn’t a hypothetical. It’s what I actually wrote down in my journal. Even though they may not have been the first to pop into my mind (like I said, that would be closer to scenario #1), they are what I’ve trained myself to end up with.
As you can see, these thoughts put me in a position to take decisive actions, which led to great results. I’ll tell more of the story another time, but suffice it to say the squatters left of their own accord, with minimal money out of my pocket, and zero damage to the house. They even cleaned up their Rottweiler’s urine in the basement, without me asking. (Only problem is they didn’t leave the fish tank. I kinda had my eye on that.)
We Change Our Response By First Changing Our Thoughts
A RESEARCH-BACKED CONCEPT
Before I get too far into this idea, I want you to know it’s backed by extensive research. I don’t want to share mere opinions with you, but evidence-based concepts supported by the leading experts in the field.
So now you might find yourself wondering, “Who are America’s leading experts in the field of resilience?” Well, I’m glad you asked. It’s a team of PhD’s led by Dr Karen Reivich at the Ivy League University of Pennyslvania. (And when I say these scholars are the experts, I mean the experts. For example, when the military wanted to develop their Master Resilience Training program, who did they ask to do it? That’s right - this elite group from UPenn.)
Here’s the question this team continually studied: “Given similar conditions, why is it that some people are able to overcome adversity, while others get stuck?” They knew if they got to the bottom of this, then they could help others unlock their inner strength and grow their resilience.
The 30 year conclusion
After 30 years of on-the-ground work, the UPenn group homed in on a single bedrock principle. I’m going to quote it hear, and I apologize for the academic-speak: “The foundation of resilience… is built on the simple realization that our emotions and behaviors are triggered not by events themselves, but by how we interpret [i.e. think about] those events.” (Feel free to read that phrase again if it didn’t click the first time. I know I did.)
Don’t get me wrong. The events matter. A lot. And, for me, those squatters were quite the “event.” But, according to the leading research, our thoughts matter even more.
I find this fact continually encouraging. It reminds me that I’m the one in control. No matter what obstacles may come my way, they can never force me into a response. That choice remains mine. Always.
Clearing Up Common Misconceptions
Thinking differently WON’T MAGICALLY CHANGE CIRCUMSTANCES
When you change your thoughts, it doesn’t make your problems go away. It does, however, change your ability to face them.
In my situation with the squatters, there were literally no thoughts I could think that would make them magically disappear. No matter what I may try to conjure up in my mind, it wasn’t going to change the fact that there were two strangers living in my house, reclining on their La-Z-Boys, with their fish tank and TV set up, living their best life. That was the harsh reality.
Thinking differently couldn’t change that. But it could change the reality within me.
Despite what talk show guests on Oprah might say, there is nothing supernatural about thinking different thoughts. It will not lead you to tap into a different vibration of the universe that attracts remedies out of thin air. Instead, it’s all about changing yourself, so you become the kind of person who handles adversity well.
And here’s the good news, changing yourself possible. Look at me. The man I was at the beginning of my REI career and the man I am today are two vastly different people. (And not just because my beard has finally filled out.)
No matter what detrimental thinking patterns you feel you’ve been “wired” with, be encouraged that you can change.
Re-wiring is possible.
Thinking Differently is not about sugarcoating the situation
Here’s a common assumption people make: “Isn’t “thinking differently” just an attempt to trick yourself into thinking a situation is better than it really is?”
Good question. I actually agree it’s counterproductive to try to convince ourselves of something we know isn’t true. For example, if my life is falling apart, it doesn’t help to repeat “I am successful and all good things come my way.” This is a lie, and saying it only makes me like a phony.
Having said that, let’s take a closer look at the thought lists from Scenario #1 and Scenario #2. Which of the two is actually more grounded in reality?
When you inspect the first list (my automatic thoughts), you see it’s actually full of exaggerations: “I’m an idiot. All their fault. I’ll go bankrupt.” But when you study the second list (my new thoughts), you see it strips away the distortions. This second list is actually more clear-eyed, logical, and pragmatic.
Remember, simply because a thought runs through your head, that doesn’t mean it’s accurate. Surprisingly, research shows our minds err toward irrationality when faced with hard circumstances. It takes training to remove distortions and replace them with clear, pragmatic thoughts.
Summing It Up
I’m not sure what adversity you’re facing right now. Maybe it’s a one-time issue - a rehab has gone way over budget, a house won’t sell, or a tenant has stopped paying. Maybe, on the other hand, it’s an issue that’s built over time - your pipeline is empty and you just can’t find deals, your contractors give you nothing but problems and you’re not sure where to turn, or there’s too much to do and you’re overwhelmed.
No matter the obstacle, remember your thoughts will determine if you overcome it or admit defeat. I’ve seen it in my own life, I’ve seen it in other’s, and I’ve seen it in the research.
Mental toughness starts here.
Maybe you’re like I used to be. Maybe you’ve overlooked this foundational component, and as a result have missed out on the very place change can happen.
That’s why the next several articles will focus on how we think. I want you to understand why your thoughts often work against you, what to do to make them work for you, and how to make this your new lifelong pattern.
So let’s dive in, and we’ll start at the obvious spot… by discussing a famous WWE wrestler from the 80’s.